How Parents Can Help Kids Thr... Health Article

Divorce can be an emotional train wreck for both partners, but often the family members hurt most by a divorce are those who have the least control over their fate -- the children.

"There's no denying that divorce usually takes a heavy toll on both spouses," says James Page, a Greenville, SC, physician. "But the impact on children can be absolutely devastating -- and that's why it's so important that parents understand how to help their kids through the process."

Helping kids cope successfully with divorce requires honesty and openness. The divorcing partners must work at respecting each other, often through their anger.

Most of all, children need to be assured that they won't be forgotten, says Robert Murray, M.D., of Charleston, SC. "Parents must carefully explain to the kids, 'We're going to take care of you, as we always have -- we're just going to be doing it in a different way.'"

Here are three other areas parents can address to make the best of it for the children they both love:

• Children sometimes blame themselves for their parents' divorce. Make it clear to them that they are in no way responsible for the breakup of the marriage. Repeat this message again and again over the months that follow: It's not your fault.

• Make changes slowly and preserve regular, daily routines as much as possible. For example, keep bedtimes and mealtimes the same, and continue to set limits on behavior with clear, consistently enforced rules.

• Don't point out your spouse's shortcomings.

Parents must never give in to the temptation to attack their spouse by criticizing him or her in front of the children.

Coping Quiz: Helping Kids Through Divorce

What's the best way for parents to go about the difficult task of helping their children adjust to divorce? Test your knowledge of the most helpful parenting strategies by answering the following questions true or false.

1. Divorcing parents should shield their children from bad news.

FALSE. "It's very important that divorcing parents be open and honest with their children.You don't have to tell them everything at once -- but you do have to explain the basics, and prepare them realistically for what's coming.

2. You should make an effort to understand how your children feel about the divorce.

TRUE. Divorcing parents are going through a terrific emotional struggle themselves. Still, they must find the time and energy to listen carefully to their kids, experts say. Encourage children to talk openly about their feelings. Let them express anger and grief on their own terms.

3. During and after the divorce, don't expose your kids to arguments between the two of you.

TRUE. The children of divorcing parents must make some very difficult adjustments. Don't add to the stress by fighting in front of them.