For Parents: Tactics to Tame ... Health Article

Your 8-year-old throws his jacket on the floor. You ask him to hang it up. He refuses. You start yelling.

The details may vary, but you probably have your own tales of losing your temper with your child.

Getting angry—and dealing with it—is part of being a parent. Anger is a natural response to frustration and stress, and raising children is stressful. Still, you can take steps to manage your anger so you're more in control. You want to be a good role model for your kids and certainly don't want to hurt them. Here's how:

Stay calm

Calm down. "Most important is to exit the situation. It gives you time to get yourself together," says Nancy Samalin, author of "Loving Without Spoiling" and internationally known speaker on parenting. Suggested actions: Call a friend to come over while you take a break, or take your children for a walk. Samalin also suggests writing down your feelings to cool off. If you can't walk out of the dispute (if you're driving, for instance), try to count to 10, breathe deeply, repeat a word like "relax" or picture a calming experience.

Express yourself. "What you say when you're angry is what's important. Begin with 'I' statements and keep it short," Samalin says. For instance, you might say, "I feel disappointed that you didn't put away your toys even after I told you to." Knowing your triggers can help stop confrontations before they start. If your child is whining about something that could lead to an argument, warn him that you're already upset or say that now is not a good time. If you're more upset than your child, take care of yourself first, says Samalin.

Keep your focus

Focus on what's important. If you're unsure, "check with someone else as to whether you are justified in your anger," says Judith Linger, M.D., a spokeswoman for the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry (AACAP). "An uninvolved third party may help you put things in perspective," she adds. Samalin encourages parents to ask themselves, "Will this matter a week from now?"

Restore good feelings later. Let your child know that you love him or her. If appropriate, "go back and let the child know that you're sorry," says Samalin. That's especially true if you jumped to a wrong conclusion or levied an unusually harsh punishment, says Dr. Linger: "You can help the child learn from your mistake by apologizing forthrightly, honestly and quickly. It will go a long way toward developing a maturing relationship with the child."

If you feel angry with your child almost every day or have trouble controlling your anger, you need to talk with your doctor or a counselor, says the American Academy of Family Physicians. That way you can prevent your anger getting out of hand and causing harm to your child.