"Breast Cancer Changed Our Relationship"

The discovery of a tumor can challenge the closest couple's bond in unexpected ways.

In early July 2001, the main thing on Judy D'Avanzo's mind was the party she and her husband, Drew, were planning for the first birthday of their daughter, Reese, at the end of the month. "We were totally psyched," recalls the vivacious 37-year-old. "At first we were going to invite 20 close friends and family. Then it morphed into a barbecue for 50."

There was only one shadow. Several weeks earlier, Judy had found a lump in her breast. Her ob/gyn was concerned enough to schedule a biopsy, but neither she nor Drew truly believed it could be anything serious. "She was the healthiest person I knew," says Drew, 36. "She's like the Energizer bunny."

"I'd never smoked or had a weight problem; I'd hardly even taken a sick day," adds Judy, who was director of marketing at Whole Foods in Baltimore. So when the radiologist summoned the couple to his office and told them she had cancer that had spread to her lymph nodes, "we were stunned," she says.

Drew adds, "The week before the appointment I kept saying to Judy, 'It'll come back fine. We'll go on just like we did before.'" Suddenly, though, the couple's bright future together blurred. "In less than three years, we went from being newly married, to being newly married and having a newborn baby, to dealing with breast cancer. Our heads were spinning," Judy says.

SHIFTING INTO BATTLE MODE

As Judy and Drew struggled to digest the news, they turned to each other for comfort. Judy recalls, "We cried together, then stayed up late talking—about how this would affect Reese and what would we do if this were the end." In the following days, Drew went with Judy to every appointment, helping her sift through the bewildering array of treatment options. "Drew was my second set of ears," she says.

Within two weeks, they'd found doctors and scheduled Judy's double mastectomy for late August. "She was worried that cancer might develop in the other breast, and I supported her decision," Drew explains. After that, she'd have about six months of chemotherapy and, when she was strong enough, reconstructive surgery. "Compared with our initial panic, we were relieved," Judy says. "We had a game plan."

With surgery looming, another couple might have canceled their party plans. But Judy and Drew decided to go ahead with the celebration, down to the four-tiered birthday cake. "We wanted to set a positive tone," she says. They also planned to use the day to share their news with a few close friends after the presents had been opened and the cake and ice cream eaten. "It sounds strange, but I didn't want a lot of tears. I didn't want to suddenly be seen as a cancer victim," Judy says. "Some people were shocked, some cried, but everyone got it: We weren't treating this as a crisis."

Drew also made an effort to stay positive: "I didn't want Judy to feel any doubt. We had great doctors. For her sake, I kept telling her that everything was going to be fine."

Adopting a take-charge attitude came naturally to the couple. From the time they started dating in 1996, Judy says, "we were doers. I'd say, 'Let's go hiking!' and Drew would say, 'Hiking? OK,' even if that was the last thing on his mind. One year, I wanted to learn horseback riding. Drew wasn't interested but agreed to come along. We were a good yin and yang that way."

Drew says he liked that Judy had her own life and interests. "I'm more into sports stuff that she couldn't care less about," he says. "Sometimes she'd come to games with me, sometimes I'd go with the guys and she'd do her own thing. It was easy, effortless, even after we had Reese. There was nothing negative, nothing that let us know this was coming."